


Hesitantly

by NotEvenThat



Series: Raphael/Jace [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Raphael Santiago, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Insecure Jace Wayland, M/M, Secret Relationships, Sexual thoughts, soft moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 03:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12147231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Jace decides that he wants to tell everyone about his relationship with Raphael. Only, he has to gain the courage to bring it up first.





	Hesitantly

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't even ship these two when I first wrote about them but I can't stop thinking about it and now I ship them so much. Holy crap.

 

Jace was the first one to bring it up. He knew that Raphael wasn’t going too. Honestly, he was a bit surprised that  _ he  _ had the guts too. This thing with Raphael, it was different from any other relationship that Jace had had before. Everything about it was fragile and hesitant. Neither Raphael or Jace wanted to be the ones to say it; Whatever  _ it _ was going to be that would shatter this perfect situation that they had crafted for themselves. 

Right now, they had found a balance between every reason that their relationship shouldn’t work and the fact that it had for so long. Though tonight, if Jace did in fact gather the courage to bring it up, he might destroy it. 

Worst case scenario, Raphael would kick him out and ask him not to come back again. Slightly less worst case scenario (and the one that seemed most realistic), Raphael would tell him that he didn’t want that for them and neither of them would ever talk about it again. Someday, if him and Raphael lasted, he’d slip and tell his sibling but that would be the end of it. Only a handful of people would know and Jace would wallow secretly in the fact that Raphael was ashamed of him, like so many other people in his life. 

That or Jace wouldn’t even bring it up at all. Really, there was only a handful of outcomes and every outcomes other than the one that Jace was hoping for seemed more realistic. Jace was under no pretenses that he was some glorious creature that everyone should be proud to be dating, despite the way that he acted almost all the time. Maybe, within the nephilim community he was someone that everyone looked up too but Raphael wasn’t a shadowhunter. He was a downworlder and Jace wasn’t ashamed of that but he knew that that complicated things for both of them. Jace wasn’t asking him to come out to the few people that they associated with together. He was asking him to come to  _ everyone.  _ He was the leader of the New York Clan. If his vampires found out that he was dating Jace and they decided that they didn’t like it, Raphael could lose his position. 

Jace couldn’t ask Raphael to risk that for him. No matter how attached he had grown to this relationship, he knew that Raphael wouldn't choose Jace over his people. Jace wouldn’t ask him too.  

Yet, he was. They had been dating for months now and no one else knew. It was growing harder and harder for Jace to come up with excuses about where he was. He knew that Raphael was struggling to excuse all of the time that he spent with Jace. So, Jace had to ask. It was either that or someday, maybe not soon, maybe not for a couple of months but someday, they were going to be forced into telling everyone and Jace would rather bring it up now and hope that their relationship meant enough for Raphael to tell everyone, than to wait and be the secret that ruined Raphael’s life against his will. 

Which meant, yet again, that Jace had to learn how to talk about his feelings. 

 

Raphael didn’t come home for a couple of hours. That night, when Jace crawled into his bed, there had been a note waiting for him, informing him that Raphael was training some of the new fledgelings and wouldn’t be back until three. Normally, by the time that Jace reached the hotel and snuck through the back, he was exhausted and he’d pass out in bed before Raphael came back but today, when he walked through the door, Jace was laying in bed wide awake. 

Raphael paused for a moment and then walked forward, sliding his jacket off and placing it on the rack next to the door. Jace knew that Raphael had noticed. He could probably smell Jace’s nervousness in the air but he didn’t mention it. Jace knew that he wouldn’t, not right away at least. He just watched calculatingly before taking the couple of steps to cross the room and standing next to bed, watching Jace for a long moment, like he was trying to decide if his affection would be welcome right now before finally leaning down and pressing his cold lips against Jace’s head, raising an eyebrow in subtle question when he stood again. 

Almost instantly, Jace felt the stress from the day run out of his body. Raphael wasn’t a cuddly person. He didn’t particularly like cuddling or showing affection but he had noticed how much Jace liked it, so, he did. 

Secretly though, Jace knew that Raphael liked curling up in bed with him. He wasn’t the only one who pretended to be something that he wasn’t. 

“How were the fledgelings?” 

Raphael hummed before turning around, walking across the room to the elegant bathroom that put him just out of Jace’s sight. “Alright, how was the institutionalized discrimination?”

“Not bad today.” Jace turned, curling on his side to watch the small glimpses of Raphael as he undressed for the night. 

They both fell silent for a moment and when Raphael reemerged, he was wearing nothing but the sink red boxers that Jace had tried to steal on many occasions. 

Raphael being asexual had never been a problem in their relationship, not even before Raphael had explained that he was okay indulging Jace in pleasure as long as it didn’t involve stimulation to his own body but sometimes, Jace wished that Raphael would just stand there, looking exactly as he did now and let Jace get himself off because his boyfriend’s chest looked downright  _ sinful. _ Maybe, someday he would bring it up. Though, tonight wasn’t the best time, not when there were far more serious things to talk about.

Tomorrow though, it was  _ certainly _ on the agenda. If he was welcome back tomorrow, that is. 

Jace rolled as Raphael laid down on the other side of the bed, instantly moving over to curl against Raphael’s chest, listening to it shake under him as Raphael chuckled. His neck was cold under Jace’s cheek and for a few moments, Jace closed his eyes and let Raphael’s cold arms chill his warm skin. 

At first, Jace had been rather startled to curl against Raphael’s chest and hear nothing, no heartbeat, not even the movement of his lungs but now, Jace found comfort in the stillness of his boyfriend's embrace. It felt like he could curl up against his chest and everything that Jace was worried about, every responsibility weighing on him, even time itself would slip away until Jace decided to come back and face the world again. 

Softly, Raphael spoke, “Are you going to tell me why you smell so nervous tonight?” 

Instantly, Jace’s eyes opened. He knew that he could say no. He could say no and Raphael wouldn’t ask again, he’d just let them go to sleep but he also knew that if he didn’t bring it up now, he never would. “I ah-” Jace stalled for a moment but Raphael didn’t rush him. “I wanted to ask you about something.”

“Are you going to ask or do I have to guess?” Raphael’s voice was leaking with quiet sarcasm but Jace knew that it was a coping mechanism for them both. Jace felt better replying to a conversation when Raphael responded like this than if he had looked down at Jace with concern as asked what it was. Under it though, Jace knew that Raphael wouldn’t mock him when he actually asked. He might kick him out and ask him not to come back but even that he would do with a calm expression. Raphael was never unneededly cruel. 

Jace pulled himself from Raphael’s arms and Raphael let go of him instantly, allowing Jace to pull himself up on his arms. They looked at each other for a moment and then Jace sat down, leaning against the headboard next to Raphael as his boyfriend sat up too. 

There was one thing that Jace hadn’t gotten over, not since this relationship had started. Raphael could tell when he was scared. He could tell when he was nervous. He could tell when Jace wanted to ask something by the way that his pulse would quicken in his chest and now, Raphael could hear Jace’s heart pounding in his body and he could smell the nervousness coming off of him. There was no hiding it, not with Raphael. 

“Magnus is having a party next week.” Jace didn’t look up from the soft sheets under his fingers as he spoke. They both knew that Magnus was having a party. It wasn’t new information and Raphael knew that Jace hadn’t finished speaking, so he didn’t respond. 

That was something that Jace had always loved about Raphael. He didn’t rush Jace to speak, even if he knew the point that Jace was trying to make. He’d let him work through his words for as long as he wanted, even if he knew his responds minutes before. 

“All of our friends are going to be there.. It’s all people that we know..” Jace fell silent for another moment, biting his lip as he searched for the right words to ask what he wanted. “I understand if you don’t want people to know or.. Or, if you’re worried about people finding out but I just-” Raphael moved next to him and Jace looked towards the wall on the other side of the room, so that he wouldn't look into Raphael’s eyes and be crushed by what he saw there. “I was hoping that maybe, we could go together. I know that you and Magnus are close and my family is going to be there- I just thought that if  _ anything _ , it might be a good time to.. To stop hiding this.” 

Jace flinched when Raphael touched his arm but Raphael waited until Jace tightened his jaw and turned to look at him before he dropped his arm and spoke, “Alright.” Raphael nodded, as if he and Jace had just agreed on a business matter rather than telling everyone they knew that they were dating. 

Despite himself, Jace found his mouth twitching in a smile. 

“I hope you know that Magnus is going to have a field day with this and-” His expression tightened for a moment, “It might be hard for everyone to accept our relationship but if you want to stop hiding it, then we will.” Raphael shifted, this time being the one to glance away, “I think we’ve been dating long enough that it’s not going to end anytime soon, anyway.”

He said it as casually as he had said everything else but Jace could tell that he was nervous about saying it. His statement held a hesitant question:  _ You feel the same way, right?  _ And Jace found his mouth curling into an even bigger smile because, _yes. Yes, he did feel the same way._

Jace nodded, looking down at the bed again as he smiled to himself, speaking breathlessly, “Okay, then.” 

Raphael looked up at him and they stared at each other for a long moment before Raphael nodded, slowly, “Okay.” 

Neither of them moved for a moment and then Jace leaned forward and he was sure that Raphael could feel his heart fluttering in his chest as their lips met. 

**Author's Note:**

> I swear to god, I'm going to get people to ship these two.
> 
> Come yell at me at 'Facialteeth' on tumblr.


End file.
